Mrs. von der Leyen, headteacher of a school in special measures

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
“Welcome to the first briefing since the start of the school year,” a diplomat greeted EU reporters this week. 
Wait, I thought. Am I back at school?
Aside from all the entry exams, exorbitant holidays and canteens — I thought there were few similarities between the European institutions and the school world.
If the EU bubble was to be compared to any academic institution it would probably be Hogwarts, the fictional private school in Harry Potter (except with less magic and Brits and more made-up words and scary bald men). 
Brussels, I thought, is a bit like an expensive U.S. liberal arts college. It must be nice to major in Absurdist theater and minor in comitology — but you’ll struggle in the real world.
But these were my musings before a mysterious report by something called the Schuman School Inspectorate Body landed on my desk. 
“Mrs von der Leyen is a strong headmistress, and the inspectors commend her efforts to boost the school’s reputation on the world stage,” it read. “But her insistence on marking all homework herself is slowing down the students’ learning potential — even if she claims that she saves time by sleeping in the staff room.” 
Turning over the page, I found more tough analysis. “Students like Master Orbán, who is now repeating the year for the tenth time, are indulged rather than disciplined for disrupting school assemblies and stealing school stationery,” it reads. 
Headmistress von der Leyen’s latest efforts to freshen up the syllabus have not won over the inspectors, either.  
“We welcome the decision to phase out the requirement for students to write 1000 lines of legislation as homework, but the new classes in ‘preparedness,’ ‘skills,’ and ‘people’ are disappointingly vague. The sudden departure of the IT teacher Mr Breton also remains unexplained.
As for the extra-curricular activities on offer, the model debating club, known at school as the European Parliament, is “barely believable as a democratic body,” according to the report.
“Parents have voiced frustration about the school trips, with many asking what more their children can learn on their twelfth visit of the year to Luxembourg or Strasbourg.”
Mrs von der Leyen wrote in a terse reply that she took note of the report, and threatened the chief inspector with a lengthy detention — at a camp in Albania.
“And that’s where I’m going to hang a floor-to-ceiling portrait of myself.”
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Eddy Wax is POLITICO’s Playbook co-author.